Is your marriage dry?

A young wife who was married for just 4 months said with tears in her eyes, “I feel so lonely in my marriage.” How sad to hear such comments from many such young spouses. What’s wrong between today’s young couples? The most common phenomenon that occurs is ‘Dryness’ and ‘Drifting’. Let me explain further.

An human being might go dry in 2 areas of his life; dry physically and dry spiritually. One becomes dry when there is no replenishment and refreshment for your marriage relationship. The marriage feels empty, dry and wanting. Physical dryness is easy to identify; but, by the time the spouses realize that they’re going through marital dryness, it would have done quite bit damage.

Dryness leads to ‘Drifting’ –  Look across pews in your churches! What’s is happening in the lives of your friends, colleagues, cousins and neighbors? Would you guess that a majority of these people have marriages that are in trouble? Probably not. Neither would they. ‘Drifting’ is quiet, subtle and non-offensive and you will not hear any alarm bell; the damage is done step by step in our marriage as we start moving further and further away from our spouse.

It might give the impression that ‘all is well with us’ because we fail to see it. Our hectic schedule, selfish motives, the demand of daily living and life style – these culprits contribute to keep us busy and tight, that we fail to see the absence of real caring. Sometimes the absence of emotional pain is believed or assumed as a sign that ‘It is well with our marriage.’ We develop a pattern and get accustomed to the way things are.

Now we all want to avoid that happening. So, here are 1o “C”s to keep your marriage alive and fresh

Communication is very essential to understand each other. Genesis 4:1 says, “Adam knew his wife Eve and she became pregnant…” Knew here means that he had total understanding of his wife – social, physical, mental, emotional and spiritual. So spend quality time and not quantity time. You can sleep eight hours with your spouse – that is not the criteria. But speak to her/him in a way that touches their heart. Learn the art of listening (James 1:19). Meaningful words build up the relationship – Positive word, passionate words and plentiful words (Prov. 15:4; 18:21; Col. 4:6) Crave to be back home with your spouse rather than spending time with others. God has gifted you as his/her companion (Genesis 2:18). Drive dryness away through good communication.

Complement each other. Appreciate them in every small thing. Be the support and strength in your spouse’s weakness. Have you thanked your wife for cooking meals for you and appreciate her for the work at home? Don’t think that it is her duty for her family. Men also need appreciation and admiration. Thank them for the small jobs they do at home. Small courtesies keep marriage alive. You got to be the sole admirer of your spouse. Be your spouse’s fan and cheer leader.

Cultivate the habit of serving each other in the way your spouse loves to be served. Learn from Jesus’ leadership

Celebrate your marriage daily with fun, small surprises and gifts. A rose for your wife when you come back home will trigger her passion for you. Wives, make a special meal for him for the proverb says, “You can touch the man’s heart through his stomach. Have ‘time-out’ regularly. Visit the places and rendezvous’ which you did when you were newly married to kindle your romance. We would suggest you to have the time-out at least once a month, even without the children. Become your partner’s recreational partner. Playing together and doing exercise together to keep you fit. Be creative in celebrating your marriage.

Conquer your spouse’s heart by being a good lover. Sexual intimacy is a gift from God. Know your spouse’s sexual needs (Genesis 4:1). In 1 Corinthians 7:2-5 (KJV), Paul uses the word ‘Benevolence’ which means ‘a gift that blesses.’ The husband and the wife have to bless each other with their body. It is a command from God to bless your spouse even with your body. It is a way of communicating your love for your spouse physically. Researchers’ found out that couples (Married) who make love thrice a week look ten years younger than couples who make love twice a week. Intimacy binds, heals and keeps romance alive.

Commodities like respect, honour and praise are rare in this world.  Do not put down your spouse in a group or in front of third parties – your parents, siblings, relatives, friends or spiritual leaders. Not even for a joke – dryness and drifting starts here.  Respect and honour each other even when you are alone with your spouse. Remember everyone is made in the image of God (Genesis 1:27).

Conflict has to be resolved then and there. The Bible says, “In your anger do not sin”: Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, and do not give the devil a foothold (Eph. 4:26-28). Build the bridge and not the wall between yourself. Let forgiveness be your life style.  Let go ego. Be the first one to say sorry – you don’t lose.

Cut (Leave) all the habits/hobbies/ties that annoy your spouse (friends, spiritual leaders, media/gadgets and this includes parents if they are interfering between you and your spouse). Your selfish desires – such as a business plan or career can cause a drift in your marriage. Some spiritual leaders can be very notoriously dangerous for their own selfish gains. Have a boundary for each one.

Commit to love your spouse unconditionally as Jesus Christ loved His church. Do not withhold love from him/her. Withholding love is an emotional divorce. To love is a command from God (Eph. 5:25, 28, 33; 1Peter 3:7; Col. 3:9; Titus 2:4). Be a comforter and counsellor in their need. Be considerate and patience with each other.

Centre Christ in your marriage. With Jesus Christ in our marriage vessel, we can smile at the storm.   People invest more time, effort, money & emotions on their wedding day. Marriage is not a one day affair. Wedding is a one day event whereas marriage is a lifelong covenantal commitment and day to day work out. It is a day to day progressive process. So, pray together, play together and plan together to keep dryness away. Continue to water and nurture your marriage with these ten ‘C’s.

Carry on loving your spouse.

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HONEY OVER MONEY or MONEY OVER HONEY : FAMILY MATTERS

1 Tim 6: 6 But godliness with contentment is great gain. 7 For we brought nothing into the world, and we can take nothing out of it. 8 But if we have food and clothing, we will be content with that. 9 People who want to get rich fall into temptation and a trap and into many foolish and harmful desires that plunge men into ruin and destruction. 10 For the love of money is a root of all kinds of evil. Some people, eager for money, have wandered from the faith and pierced themselves with many griefs.11 But you, man of God, flee from all this, and pursue righteousness, godliness, faith, love, endurance and gentleness.

                 Many families are being ruined and are breaking because of one big GIANT KILLER of families: “MONEY OVER HONEY.”                                                                    The Fear of Security is one reason which forces people to look for a better job that would pay a ‘little bit more’ at the cost of family. Husbands and wives do not have time for each other and sometimes meet each other only on Sundays. For the children, the father is ‘UNCLE PAPA.’ For the neighbors the husband might look like a weekend lover. For a ‘little bit more’ we lose the whole joy of family togetherness, food, fun and fellowship.  People think wealth, money, houses, savings, children’s education and so on are security in life. They think it brings status and joy. For these reasons, they live or work in two different cities. We have truly misunderstood the true meaning of security and real joy.

All of us have hundreds of reasons to counter and argue what I have written. But God says, “It is not good for man/woman to be alone and I shall make him (her) a suitable helper,” (Genesis 2:18).  Remember this is God’s will for you and me to protect us from “Loneliness.” It is a GIANT KILLER of families. Loneliness leads to depression. We are people created for relationships. Of all the relationships, the husband and wife relationship is very intimate and unique. Even a temporary separation is very painful. We do not feel deep pain when we leave our parents in search of a job. It does not hurt us much when a friend leaves us on transfer. But, even a three days tour away from home is depressing. We long to be back home. This is because our basic emotional need is to be loved and to give love; and the love of the spouse is very special. Another reason that we men long to be back with our wives is because men are natural protectors. They are not only providers; God has made men as protectors of the family. For a woman, security is high on her priority.

Researchers say that ‘Loneliness‘ is a major factor many commit suicide. Subsequently in many cases ‘Loneliness‘ leads to extra marital affairs, addiction to pornography, fantasies, flirting, spending more time with people of the opposite, enjoying compliments and appreciation from the opposite sex other than your spouse and sexting. This is called COPING MECHANISM. Today 60 to 70 % of the divorces are happening due to unfaithfulness. Married people find it hard to come out of these addictions.            

This is a small story that touched me:

A boat docked in a tiny Mexican fishing village. A tourist complimented the local fishermen on the quality of their fish and asked how long it took him to catch them. ” Not very long.” they answered in unison.”Why didn’t you stay out longer and catch?”

The fishermen explained that their small catches were sufficient to meet their needs and those of their families. “But what do you do with the rest of your time?” “We sleep late, fish a little, play with our children, and take siestas with our wives. In the evenings, we go into the village to see our friends, play the guitar, and sing a few songs.  We have a full life.”

The tourist interrupted, “I have an MBA from Harvard and I can help you! You should start by fishing longer every day. You can then sell the extra fish you catch. With the extra revenue, you can buy a bigger boat.”

“And after that?”

“With the extra money the larger boat will bring, you can buy a second one and a third one and so on until you have an entire fleet of trawlers. Instead of selling your fish to a middle man, you can then negotiate directly with the processing plants and maybe even open your own plant.  You can then leave this little village and move to   Mexico City , Los Angeles , or even   New York City. From there you can direct your huge new enterprise.”

“HOW LONG WOULD IT TAKE?”

“Twenty, perhaps twenty-five years.” replied the tourist.

“And after that?”

“Afterwards? Well my friend, that’s when it gets really interesting, “answered the tourist, laughing. “When your business gets really big, you can start buying and selling stocks and make millions!” “Millions? Really? And after that?” asked the fishermen. “After that you’ll be able to retire, live in a tiny village near the coast, sleep late, play with your children, catch a few fish, take a siesta with your wife and enjoying with your children.

“With all due respect sir, but that’s exactly what we are doing now. So what’s the point wasting twenty-five years?” asked the Mexicans.

THE MORAL OF THE STORY IS: KNOW WHERE YOU’RE GOING IN LIFE….   you may already be there.

Godliness that leads to CONTENTMENT is what God is looking for from us (1 Tim 6:6-11). Do not be confirmed to or influenced by the patterns of this world (Romans 12:1).  Let us learn to live with what we have. Do not compromise your joy and peace for something that is not worthy.  Our security is in Lord Jesus Christ alone. We live for eternity. Your priority is Family. 

HONEY  OVER MONEY or MONEY OVER HONEY : FAMILY MATTERS

THE CHOICE IS YOURS!!!

Peter & Sally (Pallies) FACT

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HOLD ON MY CHILD: THERE IS ALWAYS A RAINBOW AFTER THE STORM

The weather forecast said on 29/12/2011 that a cyclone would cross Pondicherry that night. The cyclone was named Thane. The wind started blowing at seven in the evening and at 10 pm, the Electricity Department cut the power supply. By 2 a.m on 30/12/2011, the wind gained full throttle blowing at 130 Kms/hr. We live 250 meters from the sea.

At 2 past midnight, my wife and I woke up to some cracker noises only to find the Neem trees, Badam trees and other huge trees being twisted left to right. The way in which the trees were twisted looked to me like a local roadside temple pujari holding a demon possessed woman by her hair rotating her head left to right trying to caste away the evil spirit in her. Some trees split into two from top to bottom and the others looked like their arms chopped off. Pitifully the trees looked shamed standing without her dresses (No leaves). We could not come out of the house, as the wind was blowing steady until 10 am in the morning. This is the worst cyclone that I have experienced in Pondicherry in the last 42 years.

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Facts of FACT

FACT

Family Assistance through Counselling & Training

FACT is a registered trust in Pondicherry with the primary focus of caring for and serving families in India by providing quality emotional care through counselling and training. It is a faith based organisation.

OUR VISION:Strengthening family relationships for a better society

OUR MISSION                                      

We provide committed counselling care and training programmes based on Biblical principles to bring lasting changes in the lives of married couples through marriage enrichment seminars and equip young singles for marriage, in relevance to the context of the Indian society to build an ethical, moral and stronger nation.

WHAT WE BELIEVE

We believe that our almighty God is the designer of marriage.  He made marriage a holy, beautiful and enjoyable union between man and woman. His plan is to bless every marriage with celebrations, romance, fun, warmth, love and fellowship. His   purpose for family (Husband and wife) is to live in harmony, in mental and emotional security, which is achieved only by living and following the strong biblical marriage principles which He has set for us in the Bible.

We believe that God has entrusted to us the ‘Ministry of Reconciliation’ (2 Corinth. 5:18) – to save, to strengthen, to restore and to build families and marriage relationships with the message of love, forgiveness, healing, reconciliation and hope.

HOW WE IMPACT

MARRIAGE ENRICHMENT WORKSHOPS

Much like a well-maintained garden, a successful marriage needs continuous protection, nurture and care. Realizing and recognizing this crucial and urgent need  to save the sanctity of the institution of marriage and families, we desire to train and equip couples with biblical principles and tools for a rewarding and enjoyable married life. So we regularly conduct one day and two-days family workshops for equipping and enriching couples to handle various issues in families and marriage relationships such as foundation of marriage, communication, sexual intimacy,  resolving conflicts, male and female differences, love language, roles of husband and wife, and other important aspects of marriage and family. The Marriage enrichment programme is in three Modules having twenty five different topics. The three modules are called:

  • INNER RING – Husband and wife relationship – Knowing myself and knowing my spouse

  • OUTER SPHERE – Parenting, In- laws relationship, Balancing home and work, handling sickness, Little foxes etc.

  • WIDER CIRCLE  – Blessed to be fruitful: Blessing other couples

If you are looking for a change in your own marriage or want to make your ‘good marriage better,’ we welcome and encourage you to attend one of our seminars called “FANNING INTO FLAMES,” to see the difference it makes in your marriage. 

PARENTING WORKSHOPS:

We have parenting curriculum with six sessions which takes a full day as well as a half a day parenting programme. Our parenting workshop is called, “The Joy of Parenting”

PREMARITAL SEMINAR CALLED “SMART START”

Marriage is a covenantal call that demands dedication, hard work and commitment. Today, young people seeking marriage need to be trained and equipped to face the challenges of marriage. Attending a premarital seminar would help singles unlearn preconceived mind-sets and fears about relationships and marriage, and offload unwanted luggage of the past that is normally carried into marriages. This seminar transforms minds and instils confidence through the truth and principles of the Bible.  

FAMILY CARE AND RESOURCE CENTRE

We provide quality counselling and care given by compassionate and trained counsellors specialized in relationships and family care in a friendly and serene atmosphere. We assure confidentiality. Counselling is by appointment only. We do not entertain counselling through phone.

CARE FOR OUR PASTORS AND MINISTERS

Pastors and ministers of God are human beings with families (wife and children) and real problems like everyone else. Their stressful work often leads to emotional, mental and spiritual breakdown. We have designed family seminars specifically to strengthen and refresh pastors, missionaries and church leaders. If you care for this often-ignoredgroup, you can sponsor a minister’s family to attend a reviving retreat or arrange a leaders’ get together. You can revive the churches and Christian leadership by sending them to these tailor-made seminars.

TRAINING THE TRAINERS:

Would you like to be trained to minister to the couples in distress? We have resources and curriculum to train and equip you to be part of this family ministry. You can do it!!!

TEACHING COUNSELLING COURSES:

We teach counselling courses and Family counselling programmes as part time.

BURDENED? WHAT CAN YOU DO?

We believe in this motto: “Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their work” (Ecclesiastes 4:9). If you are burdened about marriages and families in your church or your city or would like to help your own friends’ families; why not suggest them to attend one of our seminars or even coordinate a family workshop or pre-marriage seminar at your place with our resource people.  Working together, we can make a big difference and a positive change to our society.

ABOUT THE FOUNDERS:

Peter Prem Kumar and Sally Grace Peter founded and head this organisation called FACT.They are theologically qualified from SAIACS (South Asian Institute of Advanced Christian Studies), Bangalore and thereafter pursued Pastoral Care and Counselling, with Bangalore Baptist Hospital affiliated to Serampore University. They are specially trained and mentored by Rod and Ruth Gilbert in family relationships. Rod and Ruth are authors of the book called ‘Marriage Masala’. Peter and Sally part of the ‘Marriage Masala’ family.

Peter and Sally owned a wholesale kerosene dealership with Indian Oil Corporation for the state of Pondicherry. The owned a fleet of Lorries to carry petroleum products and also dealt in antiques. God burdened them and opened their eyes to see the plight of their friends’ families and families around them struggling in their marriages and many collapsing. Heeding to God’s call, they decided to quit business on 31st March 2003 and started ministering to the families in distress. They have two children, daughter Amy, aged 19 is doing B. A., B. Ed an integrated course  and son Rohan 16 studying 11th.

FACT IS A FAITH BASED MINISTRY

Where can you find us?

You can find us here

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FACT – Says Hello!

Our First post will be appearing soon.

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